I’m in a holding pattern. Still waiting for my MRI. Making this decision has been a whole lot of hurry up and wait. Hurry up and get to your appointments, then wait for the next step. I’m not complaining, because I have opportunity to elect this for myself, and am not being forced into surgery because of a lump or cancer diagnosis.
There’s always a moment where I get a twinge of pain and think, “OMG it’s growing inside of me! This is it.” or “I’m feeling a full sensation. Oh, because I have to pee. Am I peeing too much? What does it mean? My ovaries are filled with cancer!”
I should have prefaced this by letting you know, my mind has never been quiet. If it wasn’t BRCA, I would be worried about something else – my house catching fire while I’m not home (happened already); a deer running in front of my car and it’s antlers piercing my heart; a stray bullet from a gun fight lodging inside my brain… the usual rational thoughts. I call this “final destionationing”. I imagine dying in obscure ways or disasters hitting because if death is coming for me, it will get me one way or another.
To keep my mind from final destinationing, I find distractions. Here are my top 3 from the past couple of weeks:
1. Planning a Party
My daughter is turning 4 soon and wanted a Moana birthday party. It was going to be small, but the invites kept flowing. I’ve spent many late nights scoping out Pinterest and Amazon to find just the right party. Then I took that perfect party and pared it down to things I would actually execute on a reasonable budget. So, we had pizza, snacks and cake. I did hand make 15 Heart of Te Feti necklaces out of polymer clay as party favors. Carving each one took a good bit of time and focus. I also learned how to tie adjustable necklaces. Thanks YouTube!
2. 90210 on Amazon Prime
Do you all remember Brandon being such a goodie goodie? It’s almost painful to watch. I was also shocked Kelly’s mom fell off the wagon and went from a cocktail by the pool to doing lines of coke in the bathroom… in one day. Pure gold. Every night before bed, I try to watch one episode, and I “sing” the theme song with what can best be described as a mouth trumpet. I’m surprised my husband hasn’t tried to smother me with a pillow.
3. S-Town Podcast
This is old news, yes. I’ve listened to this series TWICE already. I obsessed over the mystery of hidden treasure, family secrets, small town drama, and mental illness. I couldn’t get enough. I was so wrapped up in John B. Mclemore’s life, I forgot about mine.
These are just the top 3, but there are so many more things I do to keep my mind busy – work stuff (this takes up a good portion of time), planning our trip to Disney, cleaning while listening to other podcasts/and or audio books, and so on.
This past week, I went to a forum for breast reconstruction and I got to feel-out (or up) some implants!
The number one thing I learned was that I could have implants after I have the DIEP procedure OVER the muscle to add extra fullness IF I’m not happy with the size. At least there are options! One other cool thing is the plastic surgeons were talking about using liposuction to get fat from other places to “fill-in” newly reconstructed boobs and make them look better. I know they weren’t trying to convince me I was making the right choice, but the forum just made me more excited for what’s to come!
Do you ever feel like your mind never turns off and need to find distractions? I couldn’t go to sleep without 90210 or some other show playing in the background! I’d love to know what you use for distractions… leave some ideas for me in the comments section!